i want things to turn out well too

i miss those days , felt skinner ):

hello , long time no see hor , im still fat ):

anyway , overdued pictures ...























sorry nic , its like we've been drifting , so far apart till we both used to have endless topics and now , we're left with nothing sweetheart ): it doesnt matter , we'll be like how we used to ok (: like we've been saying isnt it , maybe its due to the seperation of different pubs (: its so tiring without you , i gotta do everything on my own , is like i dont know . work has been diff , since the day you werent around .

anyway , i broke down SUPER badly at bardot 2 days back again . and the main cause of it , that fucking slut that slapped my wife . thats to her or i wont get so upset and started to be so emotional and ended up drinking TOO much and i wont break down again right ? shit __

i said that i'll let go of him and i did (: i wasnt thinking of him anymore . i guess it helps , and greatest help of all , nic (: love her , and of cos weiling :D

to you , just give me sometime . its not that i dont trust you , its not that i dont see the efforts you put in to make me happy and to make my day . its gonna be hard for me to overcome this phobia in me like youve said just now . it has got nothing to do with anybody . its just me , ive lost trust in guys , two that i used to love wholeheartedly , hurt me till i wasnt able to stand up anymore . i gave up and i almost did when benson gave me a good scolding . until i met you , seeing the time and effort that youve put in to make me trust you . i can tell that youre someone that'll treat me well . i dont dare to make you trust me and there are really still too much things that you have yet to know about me . i dont want to see you hurt in the future . sorry seems to be the hardest word but ive said it countless times and it may not seem anything to you but to me i really does . each letters that makes up the word worry are the countless numbers of guilts i have for you . i dont know how long i might need to overcome myself , i dont want to hurt you as well . i dont know either . im sorry .

im starting to forget .

im feeling upset and im brooding over it again . it saddens me to know that i have to erase the prints that you left in my life but at the same time , knowing that its time i have to let everything go , including you . twice , being hurt by you . i think its time for me to carry on with life . especially when i only listen to songs that explains about me , its saddening . and at the end of the day , im upset still or maybe it even worst , ridiculous isnt it ? but its what that is happening to me ): nothing can make me feel better at all , nothing , no one can make me feel better either . nic is right , everyone is right , leopard never changes it spot ( gou gai bu liao chi shi ) . but i choose to believe and trust you . maybe you know it too well that i only need words of affirmation to fall in love . its a bad thing about me if you know me too well . i fall in love to easily , just because of some words . but you hurt me once and now again . i couldnt believe that you really did it . you didnt want me to give up on you and at the same time , neither did you want to bother at all , neither did you put in any efforts to show me that you really want to change , i trusted you once but what will i get on the second time . what else do you expect me to do . really settle myself down now and make babies for you where i know that my future is just gonna go down into the drains and out to the seas just like that . its hurts me badly to see people around me getting upset because of me . i feel bad and guilty for the way they're feeling . love of my life , from stangers till today , we're going seperate ways . i remember the first time we starting talking . it was really funny . you really texted me when you said you would on msn . shouted at me at riverside because i didnt want to talk . then it was my turn (: you were having sore eye back then , remember ? then there was once i was lying in your arms where we talked about having babies , you wanted a girl , and you were saying how we could dress her , the cute little dresses , the clips and hairstyle we could do for her . the time when menses came , we were both disappointed . maybe it was heaven's fate that it came , i wouldnt dare to imagine what had became for us then . you know i loved you , badly for once , and i never want to let it go . i never want to forget about you , it saddens me alot you know ? the things you do , makes me hate you . bcause of the hatred , i wanna forget you . ive made up my mind but at the same time , i cant bare to erase everything of you . nic says , im like caught up in the middle , not knowing whats best . i hope the sadness leaves quickly , i dont want it clinging on to me for long . tiring though , but somehow i dont wish it would disappear so soon . i'll miss you , badly if the memories are gone .

all i can say is , its really time to let go but deep down in my heart , i still love you , that i wont deny .